Coming Out to Family

For someone who identifies with both gay and Asian identities, coming out to his family can be a very stressful thing. Asian American families tend to stand on the liberal side of the political spectrum, but their family-oriented ideologies are centered around heterosexual families. Asian families tend to put a great amount of expectations on their son, and this high expectation oftentimes means to get married to a woman and have a family of their own - with biological children.

The stressful situation goes the other way as well; for the parents and other family members, finding out that their child and sibling is gay can be a very stressful thing. His family has to go through the process of dealing with their internalized homophobia and their prejudices toward LGBT people, in addition to homophobia in our society (Hom, 1996).

... Mommy thinks everybody [is] a little bit gay. You have a friend, and you like your friend so much you don't know what to do. It's kind of gay ... especially in college, it's a very gay time. So many gays in college, You know, daddy had a friend like that. I will tell you a gay story about your daddy [when he was in Korea] ... - Margaret Cho on her mother and father

Many first-generation Asian Americans have a prior knowledge on homosexuality which they acquired before they came to the United States. They are, however, not as used to the idea of open homosexuality in society as most white families have come to be. This is mostly because of the amount of exposure the white families had beforehand since 1960's sexual liberation movement.

Another important factor is that Asian families tend to save up financial resources for college education of their children. This means that the independence of the gay Asian man oftentimes comes later than most white gay men. Also, the interdependence among the relatives in Asian American families sometimes means that the parents and siblings are more sensitive to the criticisms of the family relatives, and therefore the family also has to deal with the prejudices which their relatives express.

The most important thing to remember is that finding a right time to come out is completely up to the person who wants to express and share his sexuality with his family. If he thinks he or his family is not ready for the coming out, then it will be better if the coming out process is postponed until the right time surfaces, whether it be a time of his financial independence or the family members' change in attitude toward homosexuality.

Hom, A. Y. (1996). Stories from the Homefront: Perspectives of Asian American Parents with Lesbian Daughters and Gay Sons. In R. Leong (Ed.) Asian American Sexualities. (pp. 37-50). New York: Routledge.