Dating and Mating

"Like the stereotypical Asian, I prefer to date Caucasian men." - a 25-year-old Asian American man quoted in Tsang's article

Men who identify with gay and Asian identities in America face a different, if not more difficult, challenge in dating and mating than those with gay and White do. Ethnicity plays an important role in intercultural dating and mating, oftentimes creating emotional distress.

"Ethnicity: caucAsian"
In 1996, D. C. Tsang wrote an article "Notes on Queer 'N' Asian Virtual Sex." The article describes an on-line gay Bulletin board, which catered to men of all races. He mentions an interesting case where one Taiwanese American man changed his ethnicity in his profile to White on a whim and suddenly found himself tremendously more desired by other gay men on the board, with everything else on the profile being the same.

This phenomenon can be explained if we consider that the criteria of masculinity in our society are set to that of White men, and therefore White men in the dating and mating competition are considered more desirable.

In this environment, certain gay men feel like they are "Accidental[ly] Asians"-they claim that they are gay men who only happen to be Asian (Yoshino, 2006). This is somewhat similar to gay-Asian/Asian-gay difference; which identity is more important? (Refer to "What is 'gay' and 'Asian' section) They claim that they have no difference in their mannerism from the mainstream white people, other than their skin color. So why should they care about their ethnicity?

Ironically, these gay Asian men's claim about their conformity proves that the topic of ethnicity is unavoidable. As they said, they are part of the white mainstream culture. However, they are not treated so in the realm of dating and mating. If they were, they would not have had to reclaim their conformity. Although blatant racism in this country has decreased over time, no matter how hard they try to 'pass' as part of the white mainstream, they are not.

On the other hand, there are white men who are predominantly attracted to Asian men: they are called Rice Queens. Tsang quotes a short-lived print newsletter, Daisuki-Men, on the reason why these white men have a strong attraction to Asian men.

1. China Doll syndrome (i.e., Asian males are seen as feminine)
2. perception that Asians are submissive;
3. and the rice queens' obsession with [all] things Asian

Richard Fung argues in his article "Looking for My Penis" that, even when certain rice queens seek out masculine Asian men, they find them attractive because of the rice queens' obsession with Asian things. Fun claims that these rice queens are fantasizing about the Asian martial arts masters when they seek out for masculine Asian men.

However, Fung's article and Tsang's article were published in 1996. Do these assumptions still hold true in 2009? Unfortunately, the old habits die hard, and as can be seen from the section "Gay Asian Masculinity," the only way for the situation in dating and mating for men who identify as gay and Asian is to stand against various stereotypes that are set on Asian men. Until then, the therapists need to understand the degree of distress which these prejudices cause to men who identify as gay and Asian.

Asian man and another Asian man, problem solved?
Then, when two Asian men date each other, do all the issues in dating and mating suddenly go away? That is not the case. The term 'Asian' covers many countries in the Asian continent. Northeast Asians - Chinese, Korean, Japanese people - are drastically different from Southeast Asians - Filipinos, Vietnamese and Laotians, let alone Indians who are occasionally included in the broad 'Asian' people. Further, Each country has a very unique culture. For example, a Korean Asian man and a Japanese Asian man might still experience ethnic and cultural differences that can cause emotional distress.


Tsang, D. C. (1996). Notes on Queer 'N' Asian Virtual Sex. In R. Leong (Ed.) Asian American Sexualities. (pp. 21-36). New York: Routledge.

Yoshino, K. (2006). Covering: The Hidden Assault on Our Civil Rights. New York: Random House.

Fung, R. (1996). Looking for My Penis: The Eroticitized Asian in Gay Video Porn. In R. Leong (Ed.) Asian American Sexualities. (pp. 21-36). New York: Routledge.